I'm perpetually hungry that's a problem that I've got. I'm perpetually thirsty too, or maybe I just drink a lot. Perpetually on the go. Perpetually kinda slow. Perpetually eating things that are laying around on the floor. Perpetually happy. Perpetually sad. Perpetually in a funk I wish I never had. Perpetually hungry with perpetual aches. Perpetually looking for some Philadelphia cheese steak. Perpetually cooking up nice dishes in my head. Perpetually not caring about whether I eat transfats. Perpetually thinking I am screwing up my business. Perpetually thinking about chewing up some pizzas. I've got soup and I've got grilled cheese sandwiches.

Don't worry cause I'm used to things not going my way. It's okay that you don't love me but I just wanna say that it's problematic for me, cause there is nobody else who I can tolerate as well as you. And now I gotta find a new love interest partner or maybe I should just go back to the start and maybe then I'll die alone, the same way I was born. Oh shit, I'm overreacting, I still have some time to go. It's just a shame I have no interest in any of you and when I find someone I like she's like "No, I'm sorry, dude, I like to sing along to silly pop tunes with you. But that's all you really mean to me, is that cool?" Now I'm drunk and lost, and also very confused cause this time I thought that things would end up like in the movies. We would kiss, we would hold hands, we would dance intimately. I would look into your eyes and be like "oh em gee". But I'm always your second choice. Cause these nights on the run, they're kinda like my records: they go fast and loud but they don't make any sense and I often pass out by the 13th song even though the stupid record's only 20 minutes long. I've been through this before, why is it still this hard? I'd shave my balls for you. I would hold in my farts. I would eat lunch for breakfast, and skip my desserts. Cause you punched my heart in the crotch and well, that kinda hurts. “I wish I could be your shirt”, or something like that? I don't get the metaphor, I just like to be sad when I listen to Jawbreaker or House Boat. “Real life as a metaphor for real life”? Well it shows. I'm all alone, but not for very long cause I plan to break the cycle that's going on and on. I've been passively passive for most of my life but now I wanna kiss a girl and tell her that she's super nice. But I'm always your second choice. Either I'm not the guy you want or I live too far away. I don't have a driver's license, I just like to walk, okay? I'm not super good looking and I don't wear nice shoes. I like punk rock but not the kind they feature on the news. I'm not intelligent, although people say I am. I'm not funny, I don't smoke, I don't give a fucking damn. I can't skateboard, I spend too much money on food. I get scared when I walk around in strange neighbourhoods. I have too many friends, so you can't get all my love. You'll get most of it I promise but for some that ain't enough. I don't live on my own cause I can't afford it yet. And I can't visit you weekly, I don't have a private jet. I sometimes shower twice a day, that's just weird. Sometimes only twice a week that's also pretty weird. There's nothing wrong with me, but you all think that there is. So when it comes down to romance, you're all taking the piss. I don't buy you flowers cause I don't get the appeal. I'll buy you NES games or sweaters or at least something real. I'm not a conversation-maker, I just like to hang out. I wanna be by your side, but you are keeping me out. Cause I don't have a six-pack, I don't comb my hair. I wear hoodies all the time, and I only have one pair. I don't like pants, I think that's pretty obvious, and the majority of people make me nauseous. I'd rather write songs than study for school. I sing along to all my records and just act like a damn fool. I'm not a perfect son-in-law, I don't even try. So there's no valid reason why you'd want me in your life. I tend to drink too much on nights out and also on nights in. I tend to act all retarded because I don't know a thing about being socially adept or socially in line. I learned all my greatest dancemoves from Adventure Time. I read way too much webcomics but I'm not really a geek. So I can't be your cool boyfriend but also not your freaky one. I spend summers watching TV shows aimed at little kids. And I quit being surprised when I didn't make your list. I am a joke, and not even a funny one. I’m the butt of the joke, that's what I have become. The whole world's laughing at me, I don't know what it is. But I need a fucking girlfriend.

I've got more boyfriends than I have girlfriends. I'm polyamourous, I'm not at a dead end. I'm comfortable with everyone I know, except for the people with those stupid iPhones - go! These girls are dead weight. When we got too close I'll take another way out. I got my guts in the clouds and my head & my brain are disgustingly worn out. My heart was never found, I lost it to the sounds of Jawbreaker's Dear You, I don't think I can see you again. We can be friends, but nevermind that right? "Just friends" won't get me through the night - psyche! You gave me this disease called Blue Balls. I know it's not intended but it's kind of uncool, gal. Y'all are scared of me like I'm some kind of a football. But I'm not gonna hurt you, I just wanna fool around in my bed- oh my bad! - in your bed cause you're bad. And you said that my head looks good between your legs. So I lick your clit and you say that you're sick and you leave me hanging around with a limp dick. I don't like sports. You don't like sports. I don't like when you wear short shorts. You don't like Emmentaler cheese. I don't like you. You don't like me. I'm tired now, so get me outta here. Oh dear, don't try, I don't know why, but I don't give a shit about what you'd like. Oh, you wanna get down? Well, I wouldn't know how! So, let me eat my fries and sleep in until 5. Don't care 'bout Thursday nights, just wanna have a nice time. Get in line, don't be mine, I want you outta my life. Cause when life gives me limes I make limenade - but when life gives me lemons I wanna squeeze 'em in your face! Ain't no disgrace! Fuck your face! I don't know why I'm mad cause I don't wanna win this race. I just wanna plug in and play my Fender bass. Play along to mixtapes, get laid, no feelings, just a fuck phase. Not everything is okay, wanna blow out my brain. I wanna go to your place, hang around there all day. Not for sex but for fried eggs, babe. I don't like you. You don't like me. I don't like how you drink your tea. You don't like my Dear Landlord shirt. I don't like you. I don't like her.

This might not be a good idea, but my life ain't based on good ideas. Now could it be that you're into me, cause I am definitely into me. That's kinda freaky, right? So let's go out and drink tonight! And I'll think you're pretty great, but actually I'm mistaken. That's okay, cause I don't really care anyway. I fake an interest in your iPod but your music choices suck. It's cool you know Deafhaven but it's sad "they were on Pitchfork". It's cool that you're a babe but it sucks you know that too, cause now everything you do is centred around you. I just wanna dance and you just wanna get danced. But I'm a famous rapper and you don't even have fans! That's just your luck, and now you're just gonna fuck and I'm just gonna get fucked. Again. So let's never be friends. Let's never stop. Let's drink until the moon comes up. Let's go home alone, check my phone. I am my own dude. Let's get to my dorm room, let's sleep until my ghost moves. What's the time? I don't know! I gotta get into this zone but I lost my control. There's a sign, it says "hello", but I don't know how to respond!? What do I say when I get nervous and my pants drop? What do I say when I'm a mess but I don't wanna talk about it? Do I say that I am drunk or do I really need to shout it? Man, I have problems. Now everything you say to me goes through my brain like XTC. I don’t take drugs but I drink a lot, so you're excused to go get fucked. I'll do the same but in a different way, I'm not so literal anyway. I don't want sex, it freaks me out. I want to smooch, that's what I'm about. I forgot both of your names but I don't think that you care. I forgot that you're a babe and I forgot you're even there. I start thinking about this girl I like, how cool she is and how she might not give a fuck about me though, like all these other chicks I know. Oh fucking shit, I lost my flow, my watch is broke, it's time to go. "Wanna come with?", the answer's "No!", of course... I'm such a ho. A player with no speakers on, a Pantera fan that's not in love, I got a headache full of punkrock songs and I heard you like Mumford & Sons. My dad does too so it's in my genes, now I just wanna turn seventeen. Get my room clean and eat my peas, well tough luck, me, I'm in my twenties. Stopped caring 'bout the girls I meet, stopped wondering 'bout the boys I see. Stopped making sure that you're all happy. Stopped having dreams about your fannies. Got white wine on my right, got nothing on my left - fuck! No one by my side, no one to get down with. You're hangin with your crew, I'm hanging with these lame dudes who wanna talk to me about the things they saw on YouTube. Cats, dogs, Russians and other shit I'm used to. Now gimme something special or get off of my BlueTooth. Everyone thinks you're cute, but let me be uncouth here: you're as boring as a root beer. I wish there was some food here. I wish I could see clear, see, watch a show on TV. Preferably iCarly, I like that's it's so cheesy. It makes me melt inside, like I'm made of mozzarella. Yeah, that's right, I am a sentimental fella! So, I got nothing to tell you, you got nothing to say to me, and all I can blurt out is that "I like mozzarella cheese!" She looks at me, I turn away. I'm gonna go, she's gonna stay. It's 7 in the morning so I'm like "Have a nice day, babe..."

Well, fuck... Do you remember when we kissed? Cause I do and it spooks my mind at night. It makes me wanna go blind. I wanna be part of your life but that's just not in the cards, cause you're here and I'm there - wait, I just had a brainfart. Remember when we had sex? Cause I wish I had been sober but I guess I (was) fucked (up) and now I gotta start over. Remember all the times we talked? That was fun, where it had all begun, but that's all kinda bugging me now. I wish I forgot the things I said, the stuff I did, the way you looked, your accent, your absence, your stupid tattoos and I wish I could forget that I ever met you, or maybe not. (I don’t know.) Do you remember all the times that we were making out and you told me that it's not over yet but that was all that I'd think about? Remember when you put all those feelings in my head? I guess that wasn't really your fault but you kinda played a part in it. Remember when you said that you wanted my address and you kissed me one last time and I turned into a total mess? Remember when I missed your guts for a couple months and all I got was a note saying you had moved on. Do you remember how I had realism on my mind but I didn't really care cause I was happy at the time? I just let everything happen cause it all was for a reason and you didn't mail me back, well, that was also for a reason. Remember how it felt to be turned down? Remember how it turned out to feel down? Cause when convenience takes over and your life is on your side, then I guess I shouldn't complain, so why do I? (Now I think it's for the better and I think we're both alright But still you're part of the reason why I didn't see Hold Tight!)